Can I start this post out by just revealing to the world that I am not a perfect mom? I fail a lot, I let my kids watch TV, I raise my voice and I feed my kids chicken nuggets…like a lot! I had someone ask me the other day how I have energy for 5 kids because she was pregnant with number 2 and already she couldn’t keep up. First off, if you are pregnant, give yourself a break! In fact, go grab a carton of ice cream from the freezer, put your feet up on the coffee table and turn on some reality TV. You have a pass…go enjoy it! Now that we got rid of all the pregnant ladies, let’s get real.
I was looking through my journal this morning. I don’t write in it very often, but during Hayes’ journey, I did. I was able to write down deep fears that I was too scared to speak out loud to anyone for fear that it would make it happen. I looked back on an entry from when Hayes was in the heart of round 2, in the thick of mouth sores, pain and fevers. I had just heard the news about a fellow cancer mom that had found out there was nothing more the doctors could do for her daughter and she was going to have to take her home to finish her life. I remember the distinct feeling of fear and the uncontrollable tears for a mom I had never met. I wrote:
Let me start this out by introducing myself. My name is Savanna Tate. I am an artist, a photographer, a wife and above all, I am a mother. When I was growing up, there was one goal that remained a constant for me, I knew I wanted to be a mom one day. I come from a family of 8 children. We were very close and loved to be with each other…literally a big happy family. Every Sunday at dinner we would do a big toast where we clinked glasses and said, “To a Big Happy Family.” Slightly weird in hindsight, but, big and happy nonetheless.