I was looking through my journal this morning. I don’t write in it very often, but during Hayes’ journey, I did. I was able to write down deep fears that I was too scared to speak out loud to anyone for fear that it would make it happen. I looked back on an entry from when Hayes was in the heart of round 2, in the thick of mouth sores, pain and fevers. I had just heard the news about a fellow cancer mom that had found out there was nothing more the doctors could do for her daughter and she was going to have to take her home to finish her life. I remember the distinct feeling of fear and the uncontrollable tears for a mom I had never met. I wrote:
“This breaks my heart into pieces! This is SO unfair! I know I sound like a broken record, but this isn’t right. How can children have to go through such horrific pain? Will we have to make that same heart breaking decision one day? I can’t go there! It scares me to death and makes me literally feel like I am going to throw up. I have to keep reminding myself that all I have control over is hope. I hope with everything that I am that my baby will get better and live a long, full life with his siblings. Please, PLEASE tell me that my future is happiness!”
Hurts so much to read this. I remember this day so vividly! I cried on and off all day long and kept getting walked in on by the nurses as I wiped away my tears. This entry is the only time I remember actually putting into words my worst fear. Looking back I am actually shocked I even wrote the words down because I was so scared that I would make it happen.
But, in response to my past self…life can still be happy! Hayes will blow you away with his courage and strength. You will do things you never could imagine you could do…brutally hard things! You will get through, it will be hard and you will be scared and feel a pain in your chest like nothing you can imagine. But, you will make it through the fire! You all will and the love you get to feel for your kids and your family as a result is beyond what you can comprehend. Keep going, keep pushing and keep hoping! You still only have control over hope so don’t let it go!