Last week, after Steve got home from work, I went out for a “mommy vacation” to the gas station to grab a Coke Zero and just drive for a minute. I got into my car, plugged in my phone and turned on my music. I backed out of my driveway and started my evening drive. The sun was still up, just low in the sky. The breeze was rustling the fresh leaves in the trees. It was beautiful. As soon as I got onto the road, that all too familiar heaviness sunk into my chest. In the quiet, the tears began to sting my eyes and that lump started to grow in my throat. In the stillness of my car, I feel my baby, I always do. We spent so much time together in the car. Just him and I, back and forth to the hospital, to Bo’s games, to my appointments. I never left him behind when he was here because I wanted to keep him safe. I still don’t want to leave him behind.
Some days hurt so much. It is a nightmare to go through. The pain is at its worst when I am driving by myself because it is a reminder of the times when he was with me…just him and me. It is like I start my car and my mind slides through every memory I have of him, trying to hold onto every picture in my mind. When I am by myself, the tears don’t hold back and flow freely with the memories. I am sure the cars that drive by feel really bad for the crying crazy lady next to them. But, I can’t help it and to be honest, I don’t want it to stop….I don’t want to “help” it. I want to embrace every emotion related to my boy because that is him, inside of me once again.
Steve and I were told last week that we should move on or else it gets harder. I refuse to move on. I will move on with him but I won’t leave him behind. For 9 months his little heart beat right next to mine. He was appropriately under my rib cage right next to my heart for the entire pregnancy with the triplets. There is arguably no one that knows my heart better than him. I like to look at the pain as my hearts way of holding onto him. I embrace the tears because that is my baby reminding me how much I love him.
I have explained it before that it isn’t that I love Hayes more than my other kids. My kids make up the quilt of my life. Steve and I have created this beautiful quilt together made up with each of these perfect children. Losing Hayes left a huge hole, a massive tear. I have my other kids with me but that huge part of me that I created is no longer there, holding me together. I don’t know if that makes sense, but that is my view of what I feel daily.
Saying this though, I want you to know that I am happy. It is possible to be sad and happy simultaneously….I am proof of that. It is possible to live life with Hayes in my heart, to feel sadness and happiness all at once. To feel brightness and complete darkness. I find times to laugh, I find times to smile and sometimes I cry and laugh at the same time. Grief is crazy like that and really, there is no making sense of it. I think the important thing is to feel whatever it is I am feeling. If I want to wallow, I cry. If I want to laugh and dance with my kids, I will. Hayes has taught me to embrace every emotion and that is what he wants me to do. That is honoring him.
So, in response to that advice to just move on, that will not happen. I will carry that pain of losing my baby forever and I won’t let it go. My grief is the measure of my love for Hayes. There is no time limit on grief, that is all I have left of him until we meet again. Until then I will laugh through every tear and smile through every painful memory because that is my heart piecing itself back together. That is me living life with Hayes and wrapping myself in the quilt we created. I will find my own way through this ocean of grief.
💚💚💚beautiful. I hugged my twin girls straight after reading this. You are so real, the the way you write I can almost feel your emotions. Sending lots of love. X Sorry I comment all the time on here I just can’t read one of your blogs and not!
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Thank you!! I appreciate your comments! It means so much!
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Big, big hugs, momma 💞💞💞
Yes, this is your journey, your loss, your grief… Nobody else gets to tell you “how” to do it!
You’re already experiencing how each day (each hour) is different… and regardless of how sharp & deep the pain, that it’s possible to have that whole range of emotions going on simultaneously. I don’t think you can ask or expect any more from yourself than that. I find “move on” to be pretty odd advice. I’m sure whoever said it meant well but … You are continuing to live and love ALL of your children. Keep following your strong and beautiful heart 💖💞💗
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I agree. I do think they meant well. Thank you!
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Momma, it is not ok for an outsider to tell you or any grieving parent to get over it.. you are correct, we will never, ever get over it! This is not how it’s supposed to be, a parent should never have to bury their child. But since we have buried our babies we will feel sadness, grief, anger and of course love… We are allowed to grieve as long as we need. And in my opinion, I will grieve intil the day I pass on to be with Aria. Thank you for reminding me that it’s ok, because frankly I’ve been told the same thing, and no I will never be the same or whole on earth.. but I will continue on and I will be the best I can be. Love to you an be your beautiful family!!
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Yes! You are doing amazingly! You do you! Love you friend!
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Love you too!!!
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This piece is phenomenal. The quilt metaphor creates such a full, beautiful picture, and your writing is so clear – I can see your strength and weakness, your gratitude and fear, your multitude of emotions that simultaneously exist, and I’m so glad you shared them with us. Life is never, ever simple; it is rich and rocky, and all we can do is hold onto each other as we sift through the things we find. Sending warm vibes your way.
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Thank you so much!
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Savanna, you are so right about refusing to move on with your sweet Hayes. I lost my 17 year old son 6 months ago after a long battle with an immune deficiency (CGD). People tell me I will eventually move on, but I don’t want to and we shouldn’t have to. It made my heart so happy to read your Move On Blog…I feel exactly like you do. Thanks for sharing.
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*i meant moving on “without”
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So glad you can realize you aren’t alone in your feelings but so sorry you know the pain of losing a child!!
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This was perfect.
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I can’t even remember how it came about this past weekend that I discovered your family’s story and the journey you and your family were forced to go on with your precious Hayes, but I have been so moved by so many parts of your story, I feel like I know you. I sat in my bed last night reading your Instagram page, looking at your pictures and crying. My husband most definitely thought I was on the crazy train when I told him I was over 2 years deep into someone’s Instagram page who not only did I not know them, but their story was so incredibly sad and tragic that I was sitting in the dark crying for you.
Anyway…as a mother of 2 boys (ages 8 & 12), I can’t even begin to imagine the pain and heartbreak you have experienced. No parent should ever have to bury their child. Ever. It’s just not how it is supposed to be. As I read your story, I totally empathized with your guilt over not being there with your other children, and your guilt for not wanting to do anything for yourself, (we mom’s are very tough on ourselves, huh?) And through my tears, I was shaking my head as if you could see me and that I was validating all of your feelings and that I could see myself feeling the same way. So, thank you for sharing your story with the world. It takes a lot of balls to share what you have with the world and to allow yourself to be so vulnerable. And as far as that woman telling you to move on, regardless of if it came from a good place or not, you do whatever you need to do to continue in this world without one of your children, so that you can continue to be the best mother and role model for your other children. They are lucky to have you as their mom. ❤️
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Wow! This is so sweet! Thank you so much!
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About a month ago I was on instagram looking at the part where you can look at random people’s post that pop up. Your husband had posted a picture of Hayes. I was drawn to that little baby boy and I clicked on the picture. It only took a few moments to realize he was in heaven. I felt my heart drop. I then started being nosy and looked all through his instagram page and even found your page. I cried for days over it all. All y’all had to go through. All Hayes had to go through. My fiancé didn’t seem to understand why I was sad one day and he even told my mom I was mourning for a child I had never met. I told my mom your story and how I just feel like your an amazing woman and I could only hope to have the strength and courage you possess. I have twin boys that are 7 months and also a 11 year old daughter. I couldn’t even fathom the thought of losing one of them. I honestly don’t think I would hold it together as well as you have. Every day and night I hug my babies and my daughter a little tighter now and I don’t even get overwehlemed with being a working mom and having two babies I am Grateful. I have learned to take every moment as a blessing.Hayes and your family taught me that. I don’t get frustrated anymore. I have donated to the Hayes tough foundation and plan to do it every month. I just feel like I’m suppose to help in some way. It’s like I was pulled to this cause. My son Landon kind of favors Hayes expect he has Hazel eyes. I think that’s another reason I was drawn to Hayes pictures that day he reminded me of my own son. Your an amazing woman and a great mother I seriously look up to you. You and your family are in prayers always now. Much love 💚
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This is one of the sweetest comments! Thank you so much! You made my whole day! 💚
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Everyone feels grief differently, and NO ONE can tell you what you can and can’t feel! Savanna, you and Steve are the best parents out there, and your “Hayes Tough” is the best most awesome thing you’re doing in your beloved son’s memory! We’ll probably never meet, but just know that your family have touched so many lives…. more than you’ll ever know! Lots of love to you and your precious baby’s!
Cory
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Thank you so so much! 💚
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Wow this made me cry mothers love is so strong I love how you handle everything and hayes is one lucky little guy he stole my heart I how he always smiled the whole time and admire you an your family and most of I admire your son Hayes
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He was seriously amazing! Thank you for supporting us!
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beautiful beautiful beautiful thoughts – and I’m sorry that you probably have to deal with so many terrible, well intended comments. 💙
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Thank you!!
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