I mentioned the other day that the past few weeks have been a little hard. I find myself on the verge of tears daily. I am ultra sensitive as well and even find myself getting offended super easily. This is so unlike me. It is unusual to experience all of these emotions I am not used to feeling. I have done so well emotionally up until recently. I feel like I have been running on adrenaline and now it is really starting to hit that this is my new life. I have been transparent from day 1 with Hayes and I will continue to be so. Depression is often times very hush hush, but it is understandably a real possibility for me; I am already addressing it with the help of my doctor. Hoping that the strength I have inside will fight off the deep sadness I have been feeling lately.
The thing of it is, I am honestly so blessed. The joy that my family provides me is beyond what I could hope for! I am grateful for every single one of them. I look back on my day and I smile when I remember Reese’s extreme fuzzy bed head when she woke up from her nap. I smile remembering Heath coming right up to my face to get my attention, pressing his nose up to mine repeating over and over again, “Mom! Mom! Mom!” I smile remembering my older three accomplishing goals they have set. Mia dancing on stage in front of judges with a duck face and booty shakes. On a side note, how is she my daughter?!! And I smile when I think about my crazy boys wrestling and laughing contagiously from across the room. And I smile thinking back on Steve slapping my butt and kissing me when he walks in from work. I have a beautiful life. I am grateful for each of my perfect people. I ache with each memory of Hayes, but then a song comes on that reminds me of him or a picture pops up on my phone and I realize he is sending me a hug…a Hayes Hint. One thing I can be sure of, my family loves me and they won’t let me disappear.
Whenever I start to worry about Hayes, I lean on the belief that where he is, he is healthy and happy. Tube free and cancer free. I like to imagine that Hayes is doing everything he would have loved to do. Playing on a playground, using his little froggy legs to push their way up the ladder to the slide. Chasing after bubbles, laughing with other kids. Climbing on the backs of the angels. And sometimes, when he misses us, he is able to look down at us and see that everything we are doing is in honor of him. I feel like he is cheering me and all of us on.
Just last week, I received a message from someone. She lives in California and she wanted to honor Hayes by tying a green ribbon around the chain of the very swing Hayes so beautifully swung in 2 weeks before he passed. When she sent me the video of the swing lightly swaying in the breeze I immediately broke down. It felt like a message from Hayes. Then when the little boy ran by in the background with the green shirt, I was sure. Hayes was telling us that he is doing great. It came right when I needed it. Hayes won’t let me disappear either!
That is the beauty of family. You have a mini army fighting for you every step of the way. There is nothing I won’t do for them and I feel the same from them. I feel like we all take our turn at the bottom. We let each other feel what needs to be felt without fearing those emotions, but when needed we step in and pull each other up. That is love.
Until this wave passes over, I will continue to share my story. I will continue to share my experiences. There are those that need to know that they aren’t alone in their emotions. Because of this, I hope to continue to transparently shed a light on our journey.