We Won’t Let Each Other Disappear

I mentioned the other day that the past few weeks have been a little hard.  I find myself on the verge of tears daily.  I am ultra sensitive as well and even find myself getting offended super easily.  This is so unlike me.  It is unusual to experience all of these emotions I am not used to feeling.  I have done so well emotionally up until recently.  I feel like I have been running on adrenaline and now it is really starting to hit that this is my new life.  I have been transparent from day 1 with Hayes and I will continue to be so.  Depression is often times very hush hush, but it is understandably a real possibility for me; I am already addressing it with the help of my doctor.  Hoping that the strength I have inside will fight off the deep sadness I have been feeling lately.  

The thing of it is, I am honestly so blessed.  The joy that my family provides me is beyond what I could hope for!  I am grateful for every single one of them.  I look back on my day and I smile when I remember Reese’s extreme fuzzy bed head when she woke up from her nap.  I smile remembering Heath coming right up to my face to get my attention, pressing his nose up to mine repeating over and over again, “Mom! Mom! Mom!” I smile remembering my older three accomplishing goals they have set.  Mia dancing on stage in front of judges with a duck face and booty shakes.  On a side note, how is she my daughter?!!  And I smile when I think about my crazy boys wrestling and laughing contagiously from across the room.  And I smile thinking back on Steve slapping my butt and kissing me when he walks in from work.  I have a beautiful life.  I am grateful for each of my perfect people.  I ache with each memory of Hayes, but then a song comes on that reminds me of him or a picture pops up on my phone and I realize he is sending me a hug…a Hayes Hint.  One thing I can be sure of, my family loves me and they won’t let me disappear.  

Whenever I start to worry about Hayes, I lean on the belief that where he is, he is healthy and happy.  Tube free and cancer free. I like to imagine that Hayes is doing everything he would have loved to do.  Playing on a playground, using his little froggy legs to push their way up the ladder to the slide.  Chasing after bubbles, laughing with other kids.  Climbing on the backs of the angels.  And sometimes, when he misses us, he is able to look down at us and see that everything we are doing is in honor of him.  I feel like he is cheering me and all of us on. 

Just last week, I received a message from someone.  She lives in California and she wanted to honor Hayes by tying a green ribbon around the chain of the very swing Hayes so beautifully swung in 2 weeks before he passed.  When she sent me the video of the swing lightly swaying in the breeze I immediately broke down.  It felt like a message from Hayes.  Then when the little boy ran by in the background with the green shirt, I was sure.  Hayes was telling us that he is doing great.  It came right when I needed it.  Hayes won’t let me disappear either!

That is the beauty of family.  You have a mini army fighting for you every step of the way.  There is nothing I won’t do for them and I feel the same from them.  I feel like we all take our turn at the bottom.  We let each other feel what needs to be felt without fearing those emotions, but when needed we step in and pull each other up.  That is love.

Until this wave passes over, I will continue to share my story.  I will continue to share my experiences.  There are those that need to know that they aren’t alone in their emotions.  Because of this, I hope to continue to transparently shed a light on our journey.

14 thoughts on “We Won’t Let Each Other Disappear

  1. Jen

    My heart aches for you – you are so brave and faithful. He is in the fine details!!! Love from Maricopa, ArizonaπŸ’›πŸ’œ

  2. rachelnorcal

    Always sending love… continuously. (The green ribbon on the swing & the little boy in green! Wow!)
    You’re never, ever aloneπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’š Whether it’s your immediate family & their physical presence, Hayes & his Hayes Presence, your friends near and far. I hope you can feel the love and care surrounding you through each step of your journeyπŸ’ž

  3. Christina " Leslie " Edwards

    I think about you and your family every day. I follow y’all on social media, y’all definitely make a girl cry a lot. But I cry because I have so much love for Hayes and you guys. I cry because I take a moment everyday to step into your shoes and imagine how you must feel. It’s hard, I honestly don’t know if I would handle it so well. Your an amazing person and it’s only natural to have times where your not okay. I love all my children so much, they mean everything to me. If I was to lose one of them it would literally shatter everything about me. My heart would never be the same. So I think about you a lot. From one mom to another you are doing great and I hope you know there are so many for us out here that pray for you Savanna πŸ’š

  4. Anne Jachim

    Big hug! Your doing great! Hayes is proud of you! And your right, he’s running and playing. Preparing for his family reunion some day. Never doubt he’s right there with you, giving you strength. His love for you is as yours for him. Eternal. XOXO πŸ’š

  5. Dana Henderson

    Savanna, I’ve been so blessed and encouraged by you and your family. Hayes changed my view of the powerful spirit he possesses, that we can all be a influence in this world.Even it’s very small. “Family is Forever”. I’m sure you’re thinking why the quotation marks? Because as I’ve been reading your posts every day, I had this overwhelming desire one day to reread all them together. I so believe you need to write a book of all your journey. I thought that quotation would be a great name for it. I’ve seen you write it many times. Btw when I had that thought that day,I opened to read your blog that day and it was this one with the the green ribbons on the swings. Perhaps a Hayes Hint! Love you guys , keep seeking for those Hayes Hints on your especially SAD days. Its ok to be sad, you just can’t stay there. Love to you all, Dana. πŸ’šβœ¨πŸ’šβœ¨βœ¨πŸ’šβœ¨πŸ’š

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