Over the past 2 years, I have transformed into who I am now and I imagine that I will continue to evolve over the years as different emotions come to the surface. There was the pre-diagnosis me…the me that just lived every day. Laughed, was more introverted, was easy going and care free, was unaware, but was also a stickler for schedules and routine. Nothing got between the babies and their nap time! I dreaded vacations, outings, activities and time away from home because nap times would get thrown off and frankly, I preferred the safety of my walls. It was easier. That is what happens when you have triplets, you become intense! You live and die by routine. A big part of that old me died the day Hayes was diagnosed.
I remember waiting in the hospital waiting area while Hayes was in surgery to remove his tumor. I sat in silence with my face in my hands and waited and cried and dreaded different scenarios that played out in my head. Just 24 hours before, I had been home with my kids, playing with toys and caring about pointless things like what I would wear and how I should do my makeup. How quickly life shifts on its axis.
I remember the moment when Steve’s phone rang. It was the doctor telling us he had finished surgery and he wanted to meet with us and go over how it went. I remember the distinct and crushingly overwhelming desire for the surgery to have been a success. We didn’t want a partial tumor removal, we wanted to hear he had removed it all. That is all I wanted to hear, all I cared about. I couldn’t hold back the anxiety ridden tears as we headed to that meeting because I needed to hear this so much!
We walked in, sat across the table from the neurosurgeon and heard the sweetest words. He shook his head in shock and told us that he couldn’t believe it but he had removed the entire tumor…a complete resection. It was a miracle! While I knew we had a long road ahead of us, I also knew that this was my second chance with my baby. I was getting more time and I was never the same, the new me was born.
I now began to find joy in the simple things. A smile, playing with toys, and seeing Hayes sit up again, those things became my happiness. When our family was blessed to be together again, we grabbed those moments and didn’t look back. We were never again going to be held back by schedules and routines because for us, that wasn’t living. Being together, being a family…this was our second chance and we were living! Any day away from the hospital was spent together. Last minute trips to St. George, walks as a family down to the food trucks, trips to the grocery store, sitting on the couch as a family, impromptu walks in the heat to the candy store, getting the babies out of bed to play at night when everyone else was sleeping…this became our joy.
I am so grateful for that second chance we were given. I have thousands upon thousands of videos and photos of times that I now appreciated, moments that before would have gone unnoticed. Everything was big, everything was fantastic and everything was beautiful! I used to wear Hayes around in a baby carrier, in fact, for probably far too long. He was so long and really had outgrown the carrier, but I didn’t care. I wanted him next to my skin forever. Every blink, every smile, every giggle…I wanted to feel it and see it all because this was my second chance and I now knew how quickly life could change. Never again was I taking this beautiful life I had been given for granted.
Now, when Steve asks if I want to take a last minute trip to California, I say without hesitation, YES! I dread the fact that Hayes isn’t physically with us, but this is what he taught me. This is the gift he game me. To realize that every day, every second and every moment I can find joy. Happiness is found in the simple things. A nap can wait, the babies can get grumpy, the house can be dirty but those memories, those moments are fleeting. Summer is just beginning and my goal is to be present. All of my kids need the me that lives and sees beauty. This is my second chance!
Momma, thank you, thank you, thank you for reminding me once again. To be present, to be the best mommy I can be for Trace and Trinity… I have been in a cloud since may 4, Aria’s two year angelversary. I needed the reminder to be present, because to be honest I’m not sure I have which tells me I have failed… I’m taking your words and running with them. I’m going to be better at being present and stuffing my feelings.. I’m going to be better. Thank you friend. This is what I needed… Love, joy, and happy memories for you!!!
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Awe!! You are the sweetest!! Sending hugs across the states! 💚
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Beautiful xoxoxo
I don’t know if Wendy will see this but I wanted to tell you I’m so sorry for your loss of Aria… And I hope you’re finding your way to a balance (I know it’s ever-changing!) without having to necessarily “stuff” your feelings. Maybe postponing a little bit and returning to them when you have some alone time 🙂
I love the imagery of allowing/welcoming all of our emotions as if they’re our children.. Grief, anger, sadness, fear… Saying, “I see you, I care about you, I’m going to take care of you” (kind of like the way we as mothers pick up a hurt, frightened, angry, tantrum-y toddler to try to comfort & reassure).
I hope some of that makes sense! I just felt a little ache in my heart when I read “stuffing feelings” and I wanted to send a note…
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Thank you!!! I honestly was doing great, or so I thought until this past angelversary… I don’t know if it’s the numbing feeling has worn off, or the stock has worn off, but something in me changed. My sadness, my anger, my guilt that I could not save her. I don’t know what it is. And it’s not that I stuff my feelings, because I’m not good at that, but I do feel that I can’t talk about her without crying now, or crying Everytime she sends me a sign… I just am off… But from this point forward I’m picking myself back up and moving forward and going to be present for my two babies on earth and my one angel in heaven.. thank you for your kind words.
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You are amazing Wendy! That crying is your love!
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Thank you friend… Thank you for the support..
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This was a tear jerker for my preggo self! Thank you so much for illuminating the fact that being a mom is more than cleaning & feeding & scheduling..it’s about these precious moments that come & go so fast! You are so inspiring thank you for sharing this very personal piece of your lives with your readers! God bless xo.
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You know…schedules have their place, but at the end of the day, those things are not important
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Love this so much, it’s amazing how our perspectives change once we realize what truly matters in life. You are so strong and amazing, I’m so glad you shared your story. I found you through the FB group, but I’m following now. I look forward to your future posts. I’m a mom too and I understand. I’m so glad that my daughter is healthy. Sometimes I think I take this for granted. ❤
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You are so sweet!! Thank you for your kind words! 💚
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My twins are 8 months and still aren’t sleeping through the night. I breast feed them so I think that may play into why they aren’t yet. But everyone seems to think and of course speaks on the fact that they should be sleeping through the night!! I don’t know, I just know every baby is different and I just go with the flow. The schedule thing has never really worked for me. I could never get them on a perfect schedule, so I kind just went with what they have needed at each time. My mom tells me they run me but I really don’t feel that way. We go and do things all the time and I refuse to be limited to what we can do just because we have twins. It definitely can be hard at times but I honestly love every minute of it and I know these times will not last and before long my babies want be babies anymore. So I just go with the flow maybe I should be more structured but I would rather just do what feels right. I love this one because it validates how I feel. I just want to enjoy these moments and if they don’t sleep through the night yet then oh well it doesn’t effect no one but me!! I’m the one who gets up to take care of them during that time. Thanks Savanna love your blog and you!! Hope your doing well!! 💚
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Awe!!! Love this!! Enjoy those sweet babes!
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