Retracing Our Steps


We made it to Newport Beach. We weren’t planning this trip, but that is how life works now, we do things on a whim and live in the moment. The drive was surprisingly not difficult. But, there was an obvious missing piece as we made the identical trek we did 7 short months ago. How do I live in a world where he isn’t here? How is it that 7 months ago he was a shining light and the peace maker in our family? He was the epitome of joy! He is still our joy, but this missing piece, this hole in our hearts is so unfair and painful. 


We are making all the same stops, retracing our steps. Today we stopped at the lighthouse park where Hayes went down the slide over and over again with the help of Steve and said “one, two” over and over again as he slid his froggy legs down the slide. Seeing that slide made my stomach drop. When we were here, we had no idea that our world was about to change forever on the drive home. We watched as Hayes experienced sand in his fingers and his toes. He even ate a few grains of sand and I loved it, because that is what babies do….he was experiencing life as a normal cancer free baby.  It is surreal. I was so naive. I sat on the beach and felt fresh heart break.  I looked to the side, and there, sitting in the sand next to our family was a bright green ball, lying unclaimed in the sand next to us.  A #HayesHint, a love note from our baby.  He was there.


It was then time to go to that all too familiar swing at Balboa Pier.  As we walked up to the park with the swing I found myself questioning if we did everything we could for our baby. I know we did, but there was this little doubt that kept creeping in as I remembered how perfect and healthy he was when we were here. Cancer was a bump in the road, we had made it through mostly unscathed. We were the lucky ones. Tears burned my eyes and heart break squeezed my chest as memories slid through my mind of a day when life was more than anything we had hoped for. How quickly life changes!  Being there was spiritual, though.  I felt him close.    What are the chances that his swing was empty, slightly swaying in the ocean breeze?  He was there! We all held each other and cried.  I reminded Bo that our hearts were remembering the love we have for him and that is why it hurts so much.



But the most amazing thing is, I feel like Hayes pushes us to do everything we do. In May, The HayesTough Foundation raised money for a brain tumor family. We found a beautiful family in Southern California whose baby girl has the same exact cancer Hayes had. She is midway through treatment and in the throws of the sicknesses that are all too familiar. We weren’t supposed to be down here, but things fell into place and now we are able to go visit them in person and give them the check from #HayesArmy in honor of Hayes….little miracles reminding us that Hayes still has a mission.


On top of that, we had no intention of taking our kids to Disneyland. We did it with Hayes in November and part of me wondered if it would be too hard and too sad of a reminder of a life that is gone now. But then Hayes acted again. A follower that we have never met sent us tickets to Disneyland as a gift. He paid for our entire family to go enjoy ourselves again. What an incredibly kind gesture. One that I cannot begin to express gratitude for. There really are amazing people in the world that are truly being a part of the good. All of which have been #HayesInspired.  I have no doubt, Hayes had his hand in this.

The world is not the same without my boy physically here, but he still lives. He is still leaving his mark. I see it around every corner. In the messages I get from you all. In the hints he leaves me everywhere.  In the good that is coming from his legacy! Hayes still lives and I am honored to be his mom as we retrace the steps that remind me of him.  One step at a time.

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4 thoughts on “Retracing Our Steps

  1. Ann Schulthess says:

    You are incredibly eloquent. I appreciate your strength and the fact that you are willing to share your heartache honestly. You have a gift and you are sharing it. 💚💚

    Liked by 1 person

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