I watched him from across the room. He was wearing his perfect, un-walked in, black converse. He basically wore them for decoration, but they also kept his ankles steady during physical therapy when he practiced putting weight on his feet. He leaned up with his hands against the large red exercise ball and proudly “stood” on his chemo, weak froggy legs. I was so incredibly proud and clapped and cheered for Hayes, recognizing that he was doing something harder than I have ever done myself. Reese and Heath walked into the playroom and clapped along with me, not knowing the reason for the show of excitement. Heath walked over to the exercise ball and slapped it with his little hands and Hayes laughed. He was participating in play time with his triplet brother and sister and we were all overjoyed. He was making up for lost time and I was so happy. I had dreamed of this forever.
I remember, I was quickly pulled down from that excitement when the physical therapist explained that Hayes wasn’t progressing as quickly as she would like to see. She told me that she thought Hayes was going to need a walker. She was hopeful that he would respond well to the challenge, but it broke my heart. She told me that within the next month or so, Hayes would need to be fitted for his walker. My sweet boy was cancer free so why did it feel like life wasn’t catching up to the news of normalcy? I decided I didn’t want to believe her and so I shut it away to the back of my mind.
Every so often, my mind would drift to the worry. What if Hayes never knew how to walk? What if he never ate food like all of the other kids? What if he never got to participate in regular childhood activities? Sometimes these worries would consume me to the point of tears. I would get so frustrated for him. I would always have to remind myself of the incredible blessing that Hayes had with built in best friends. Regardless of the circumstances of his physical abilities, Heath and Reese were always going to accept him and love him as he was. Reese was a built in little mom and Heath was a bulldog. He was going to be fine. He would always be protected.
Looking back on that anxiety, I realize how completely ridiculous those worries were. I would give anything to see him grow now. I realize that none of those physical setbacks mattered…he was here! Who cares if he was going to spend his childhood in a walker, or eat through a feeding tube? In hindsight, it obviously didn’t matter. But, it is easy to get hung up on those fears, the worries that those dreams we envision for our children won’t come to fruition. Stepping back and seeing the bigger picture, now I am able to appreciate that Hayes was enough exactly as he was.
It is a reminder to me that my job as a mother is to encourage my children and help them to realize that no matter what they accomplish in life, they are enough. My job is to teach them to be proudly aunthentic. They are my greatest gifts. I hope Hayes knows this. I hope he knows how proud I am of him, how lucky I am to be his mom. I hope he knows that every accomplishment he made in his short life was enough. He is and always will be the strongest person I know.
Thank you! I needed to hear that today! I have a little girl with a chromosome anomaly that will always have differences from what others view as normal. But you’re right. She is ebough just the way she is!
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It is hard to remember when you are in the heat of stress. 💚💚💚
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That brought tears to my eyes. All kids need to know that they are enough. Pushing them to reach goals and work hard while making them feel loved and worthy is my goal as a mom. I appreciated hearing your experience with these feelings!
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Thank you Beth! You are so right!
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Hayes knows momma!!! He knows as well as your other babies how much you love them, root them on and are there for them. You are one amazing mother with a heart of gold. You are an inspiration to myself to continue on. Thank you… Love sent to you from southwest Colorado!;
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Thank you Wendy!!
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I learn something for you in every post on how to be a good mother. You truly are an inspiration to others whether it be helping others cope or putting things into perspective. Thank you from one mother to another.
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Wow! Lauren that is so kind of you! Thank you!
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Thank you for sharing Savanna. It’s interesting how God speaks to us through many of the people around us. I also have triplets – ours were born 3 months early and our firsts. After our NICU stay ( and being first time parents), we seem to be constantly anxious about their development. But would also remind ourselves that they are automatically built in buddies for each other. You are completely right though that we are so blessed to have them in our lives and they are enough no matter what our own expectations are on how this life should look like. Thank you for sharing your heart. PS I didn’t have a chance to comment on your previous workout post but I would also recommend trying hot yoga. It is such great stretching exercise and also great arm and ab workout.
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Thank you!! 💚
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This is amazing and so true! Love this ! Brought tears to my eyes! Thank you for sharing 💚💚💚
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Thank you Sam!
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I could not agree more. Hayes knew he was enough and how proud you are of him. I try to keep this in mind with my teenager who is applying to college. There is so much pressure on these kids to be perfect. I always want her to know I am proud no matter what and her being here is enough.
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You are absolutely right! The teenage years! 🙈
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Thank you for writing this!! I struggle with some of these same feelings with my daughter who is medically complex and has developmental delays. I feel like it ebbs and flows in terms of acceptance and mourning certain setbacks and milestones. This sentence really stuck with me, “I hope he knows that every accomplishment he made in his short life was enough.” Tomorrow, I am going to remind my daughter that all of her accomplishments were enough. Thank you for sharing!
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Stephanie, I am so glad that this could help. I do know it is easier said than fine, especially in hind sight, but hopefully you find some strength! 💚
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