I had cried like I didn’t know was humanly possible. I had been sad before, but this was complete heart break, complete devastation, and complete darkness, with no hope. My sweet baby laid sedated in the crib next to the recliner we sat in. Peacefully sleeping the night away in bed #28, in the glass room we were closed away in. He slept more calmly than I had seen him do in months and ironically he was completely unaware of the horror that had been discovered in his teeny head just hours before. I laid in Steve’s lap and we held each other the whole night, freely crying and weeping in each other’s arms. We were in the PICU, surrounded by families and parents going through their own devastations.
I remember the room across the hall was being guarded by a security guard. I thought it was odd. I could hear the teenage girl inside of the room, arguing with her crying parents saying she did not want to live. She had such angry hopelessness in her voice. She was desperate to leave this world and her parents were angry right back in argument to keep her. She had unsuccessfully attempted to take her life the previous day and now angrily had to face the world she had tried to escape from.
The irony of the situation was not missed by me. This girl was trying to take her life and I was desperately pleading for my baby to miraculously be ok. How does this happen? I was horrified that this girl did not see the worth in her life! I would have given anything to have my baby whole and free and she saw no value in living. It was a disastrous juxtaposition.
I felt for her parents. I wanted to go shake sense into her and tell her that life is a gift. That she is lucky to have a healthy physical body because my sweet innocent baby did not. I understand depression is not so black and white, but I resented the fact that this girl seemingly had a choice when Hayes did not. It was heartbreaking!
I go back to that night often, wondering what became of that sad girl. I hope she found happiness. I hope she was able to see through the darkness that she has value. We all do.
If there is anything I have learned through this situation it is that life is a gift. There is always something to be grateful for and there is always a silver lining. Even though I have lived a parents worst nightmare and sometimes it feels as though the sadness is all consuming, I live for my husband and children, they are my silver lining. There is always happiness to be found. I am forever grateful for my happy.