I Have Known Perfect

I have been open from day one and I will continue to be open.  The reality of my new world of grief is that I shift from sadness to doing ok to anger to everything in between.  The past few days I have been angry.  I sometimes feel like life has moved on without us.  We are in this bubble of our home and I have zero intentions of leaving. I can’t bear the thought of going out into the outside world, where stresses are things I would give anything for.  I lost my baby…8 months today.  I ache for him.  

Sometimes I feel like this can’t be real.  This was not how I imagined my life would be.  I was going to raise my six kids and stress about naptimes, carpools and school lunches.  Was he ever actually here?  Or was he the best dream of all time and now I have to live each day wishing for sleep hoping for that dream to return.  He was here right?

I guess it gets strange in my mind because the world moves on and I have to learn how.  How?  I have found ways to distract myself, to slowly close up my broken heart. The foundation has become a bandaid that I am so incredibly grateful for, but I know deep down, it is just a bandaid.  I am still broken inside and most likely, I always will be.  I have to learn to live broken, I guess.  

I have this feeling that Hayes is busy.  He hardly misses me because he is discovering everything he missed.  It has been 8 months but to him, I hope it feels like 8 seconds.  I hope he feels no sadness for me because all I want is for him to experience joy…pure unpained, cancer-free, toddler joy.  Ugh!! I miss him so much.

I have to keep reminding myself that this pain, this is life.  Life is a mash up of earth shattering lows and the highest of highs.  I am so lucky to have known those highs…when all 8 of us slept under the same roof.  When we drove to California and Disneyland.  When we would get Hayes out of bed at 10pm to play with us in our room.  I have known a perfect life.  I will forever have that to be grateful for.  It is ok to be mad sometimes…that is just how I feel today.  Sad and mad and heartbroken and grateful.  I am a sad but I am a lucky one.

8 thoughts on “I Have Known Perfect

  1. Cory

    I can’t even fathom what you go through each day. Just know that our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, loves YOU and your precious family more than you can imagine. Your beautiful Hayes is with Him! Praise The Lord!
    My heart aches for you. I know you wrote this in your blog today, but it IS ok to feel all of these emotions that you’ve been going through. You lost your precious baby. Just know that you have people that you’ve never even met who love you and grieve along with you. I think about you and your family a lot. I send love and hugs and healing thoughts to you and yours today. God is with you… He will never leave you nor forsake you! Best wishes today… lots of love from Cory in Michigan. πŸ’šπŸ‘ΆπŸ»πŸ’š

  2. Isn’t grief the strangest combination of emotions? To feel so much all at the same time? One of my hardest grieving days was the day I felt my son was busy and happy, then it occurred to me that maybe he didn’t need me anymore. That was a pretty hard emotion for me to feel after a long road of cancer treatments where he was totally dependent on us for everything. I love that you say you have known perfect. I wish we knew how perfect we had it before cancer. I’m glad we know it now. Much love to you and your family!

  3. Lisa

    You are a wonderful writer! I have been following your story on Instagram for a long time. Through your posts and blog I feel like I have had the privilege to know Hayes. Thank you for being so candid. Thank you for sharing your story. I am a teacher and today we are all wearing gold shirts for childhood cancer awareness month. I have Hayes in my heart as I proudly wear my shirt.
    Thank you for sharing your beautiful boy with us!

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