Dreaming of Hayes

I woke up yesterday morning feeling complete.  For a moment I sat in that in between time where I didn’t know what was reality and what was a dream.  I didn’t feel any rush to wake up because I was in pure bliss, holding my sweet baby boy again.  In my dream I was sitting in that all too familiar Hospital room at primary children’s, holding my angel Hayesey, but in my dream he wasn’t an angel, he was very much here and fighting still.

I remember the distinct thought and conversation in my dreaming mind where I voiced the worry that life is precious and I didn’t know how much time I had with him.   I should have realized I was dreaming at that time because in reality, I never let my mind go there.  Hayes was going to live a long life so never did I let myself worry about losing him when he was here.  Never would I have put words behind such a horrifying thought because that would have given life to my deepest, darkest fear.

In my dream, I sat in that bright hospital room, in the stiff, green recliner.  The afternoon sun shined through the large window and warmed my skin.  But that warmth didn’t hold back the goosebumps that covered my arms and the back of my neck because I was holding Hayes in my arms and stroking his cheeks just as I had done every day before he left me.  And he looked at me and smiled, that big open mouthed smile that always reassured me we were going to be ok.

Steve woke me up with a kiss yesterday.  It is like he knew I was going to need it, to ease into the pain of reality.  I realized in that moment that what I had been experiencing was temporary, a gift, but temporary nonetheless.  And I woke up with tears of anguish.

Loss is so hard.  I feel like I am just starting to realize what has happened with my life.  What I have just been through and it absolutely breaks my heart.  I can’t believe I have 75% of my life still left without him.  How is someone supposed to survive a lifetime of this? I guess this is how.  The gift of a dream. The gift of a memory.  Maybe that is how I am supposed to make it a lifetime without him physically with me.  I will take as many dreams like that I can get.  Thanks Hayesey boy for the visit.  Come any time you want a love or snuggle.

15 thoughts on “Dreaming of Hayes

  1. Wendy

    I’m happy that you have had this awesome dream… I wish for more… I have only had a deja vu dream of Aria. Pushing her in the wheel chair she became so bound to. I want more dreams, more for you and more for me… I send my prayers, strength and love to you my dear friend. Hugs today and always!!!

  2. Maria Silva-Gross

    I hope you have many more dreams with your baby boy. Hopefully the next will be of him running around with his siblings and coming back to you for hugs and kisses, often!

  3. rachelnorcal

    My wish is for so many dreams, “coincidences” (that we know aren’t coincidence), HayesHints, and big/little gifts of love to keep carrying you through, lifting and soothing your heart and spirit! xoxoxo!!!

  4. Amandine


    I hope Hayes will come to visit you, to hug and kiss you with his beautiful smile, every night..💚

    You are beautiful Savannah, i send you much of love and hugs 💚💚💚

  5. Angela

    I lost my baby brother at the age of 23 to cancer , he was the baby of the family and he was like my very own. He was so pure and had the soul of a innocent child! He has come in our dreams so many times and just last night he told me in my dream I’m not dead I’m very much alive and I asked how Jesus was and his eyes lit up and said amazing! He said he’s so happy and I told him just wait for us! He has shown us miracles I would have to type for hours, miracles from heaven he was a saint! I pray for you because there is no deeper pain out there than this🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

  6. Rica

    So sorry for your loss. What a beautiful boy. What were signs that made you even think something was wrong? Was Hayes missing milestones?

      • Rica

        Hi! I read your first blog post, almost all of them actually. I haven’t come across anything about symptoms. Please don’t worry if it’s too difficult to discuss.

      • No actually I will write a post then! Thanks for letting me know. Hayes was losing abilities he had already known. No longer able to sit up, or rollover. He also was extremely lethargic

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