I woke up yesterday morning feeling complete.  For a moment I sat in that in between time where I didn’t know what was reality and what was a dream.  I didn’t feel any rush to wake up because I was in pure bliss, holding my sweet baby boy again.  In my dream I was sitting in that all too familiar Hospital room at primary children’s, holding my angel Hayesey, but in my dream he wasn’t an angel, he was very much here and fighting still.

I remember the distinct thought and conversation in my dreaming mind where I voiced the worry that life is precious and I didn’t know how much time I had with him.   I should have realized I was dreaming at that time because in reality, I never let my mind go there.  Hayes was going to live a long life so never did I let myself worry about losing him when he was here.  Never would I have put words behind such a horrifying thought because that would have given life to my deepest, darkest fear.

In my dream, I sat in that bright hospital room, in the stiff, green recliner.  The afternoon sun shined through the large window and warmed my skin.  But that warmth didn’t hold back the goosebumps that covered my arms and the back of my neck because I was holding Hayes in my arms and stroking his cheeks just as I had done every day before he left me.  And he looked at me and smiled, that big open mouthed smile that always reassured me we were going to be ok.

Steve woke me up with a kiss yesterday.  It is like he knew I was going to need it, to ease into the pain of reality.  I realized in that moment that what I had been experiencing was temporary, a gift, but temporary nonetheless.  And I woke up with tears of anguish.

Loss is so hard.  I feel like I am just starting to realize what has happened with my life.  What I have just been through and it absolutely breaks my heart.  I can’t believe I have 75% of my life still left without him.  How is someone supposed to survive a lifetime of this? I guess this is how.  The gift of a dream. The gift of a memory.  Maybe that is how I am supposed to make it a lifetime without him physically with me.  I will take as many dreams like that I can get.  Thanks Hayesey boy for the visit.  Come any time you want a love or snuggle.

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