Declaring A State of Emergency

Let me preempt this by saying that I know I have issues. I am sure after you read this, you will probably agree with my personal assessment. Since Hayes passed away, I feel like I have become incredibly in touch with my own emotions. I am a bundle of lots of different feelings from one moment to the next. But, for someone that is so aware of my own emotions, I feel like I have become extremely detached from most everyone else’s. I almost feel like I have lost a slight bit of empathy in my life. Odd I know! I am actually embarrassed to admit it.
I remember when Hayes was fighting so hard in his bed at the hospital when the presidential debates were going on. Ugh, politics I knowโ€ฆbut bear with me. I remember how scared everyone was. How deeply entrenched people were in the presidential candidates and I was sitting in the cancer unit with my sick baby boy, surrounded by rooms of sick children fighting like hell for their lives. I remember being so jealous of people, where politics was all they had to stress about in life.  

Now, fast forward a year later and here we are in childhood cancer awareness month, in the heart of my daily rants about my complete disgust for the monster that is childhood cancer. I miss my baby boy so much, it is gut wrenching. Then Hurricane Harvey hits. I know it is a tragedy. People have lost everythingโ€ฆbut really, have they? I was watching an interview with a family that was crying about the loss of their house and all of their possessions. They said this as their 2 year old and 4 year old played on the hotel room floor in front of them. The father bent down and rubbed his daughters head as the mother sobbed.  In my skewed grief and I guess bitterness, watching him rub his sweet girls hair, I thought to myself, โ€œYou get to ruffle your daughters hair.  I would trade you in a second! If I could have all 6 of my children here in my arms, but the trade off was that I didn’t have a house, I would take that deal in point two seconds.โ€

Now logically, I understand that they have a right to their heart ache and their own feelings of loss. It has got to be so hard and so frightening. But at the end of the day, they have their family. They have each of their healthy children. That is ALL that matters in the end because at the end of this life, you can’t take your house or your possessions with you. Up at the cancer unit of every Childrens hospital is a version of Hurricane Harvey that is killing children every day, but the horror isn’t being seen. It deserves its own state of emergency. 

For those that came to my blog for my usual sweet posts, I am sorry to be so angry today.  But this is grief, it ebbs and flows with everything I see and experience.  Sometimes it doesn’t make sense…maybe I am actually totally crazy.  I wouldn’t rule that out.  In a strange bizarre way, I feel like this is my way of keeping Hayes alive and remembered.  But, regardless, thanks for listening to me on my own little soapbox corner of the internet every day. It probably gets old.  I can’t stop. I have walked the path that has shattered my heart. A path that few completely understand.  I will forever be scooping up the broken pieces. I will forever be holding my own little telethon and relief efforts, for the hurricane that is childhood cancer. Rant overโ€ฆ.oh wait, we all know that isn’t true, I have days and years of rants ahead of me until this disease is stopped.

30 thoughts on “Declaring A State of Emergency

  1. Annie

    I have never lost a child, however I can tell you how much I can relate with this post. I do the same thing when I might be going through a hard time, I look around and think.. oh look at them, I know they aren’t dealing with what I am, I would trade them for their problems. So I get it, on a much SMALLER scale… my heart goes out to you. Thank you for putting things into perspective. We can all get so caught up in our “small issues” not realizing how blessed we truly are by, like you said.. at the end of the day, having our whole family with us. Nothing else matters & we don’t take it with us.. it’s our family and the kind of people we are that stay with us. I am sending you good thoughts and prayers and hopefully a slice of peace to help you through today. โŒโญ•๏ธโŒโญ•๏ธ Annie

  2. April Dodge

    I understand some of this anger but will never say I completely understand since my child is still with us & fighting cancer. Every time I see fundraising happening for the hurricane victims it really upsets me. I feel for the victims but yes they still have their healthy family. People are actively trying to find ways to help & give to this single event. People are shocked & in horror of the devastation caused by nature. Why the hell can’t we elicit these same reactions & efforts for all the kids fighting cancer which is horrific & terrifying & heartbreaking. Rant on Savannah because this community desperately needs a force like you. You are the voice for Hayes & he will never be silenced or forgotten ๐Ÿ’š

  3. rachelnorcal

    I can’t seem to find the right words today for a longer reply but I feel your heart and I’m sending love, always.. xoxoxo

  4. Cherie

    I was so moved by the photo of Hayes today on Instagram. Almost losing a 4 year old to another disease isn’t the same as what you’re experiencing but my heart aches for your heart. These events put life and what is truly important in perspective like no other. You’re not crazy- just honest and passionate about life and carrying on Hayes’ s legacy. Keep ranting – people need to hear and act!

  5. Jennie Gamlen

    I will look toward you on your soapbox daily. For I am on your side against this horrible beast. I wish Hayes never had to be a warrior. But he was here to send a message. Wake up world!!! This is a state of emergency!!!

  6. Deanne

    I couldn’t agree more. Loosing your possessions isn’t a tragedy, loosing your child is! One thing this horrible journey does give is perspective. Family is number one at the end of the day.

  7. samantha

    I haven’t posted for a while but I read all of your blogs. They blow me away. Without people as special and driven as you these children would not have a voice. I can see why Hayes was such a special little boy. ๐Ÿ’š

  8. Ann Schulthess

    I love your honesty and your courage to say what you need to say!! Your posts and pictures of Hayes always touch me๐Ÿ’š

  9. Sherri tramble

    Your words are so true and hit right to the heart. When you watch the news and listen to all the people talk about the loss of homes and possessions, one feels bad. However instantly you look at them surrounded by their children hugging them with love and reassurance. They can rebuild and create new memories. But loosing a child or any family member is much more of a disaster than any act of nature. I love how you remain a close tight family and all your children continue to have a special bond with Hayes. He is with you everyday. Keep fighting for him and all the other precious children. You are fantastic and loved by all. Hayestough. Xo. Changes are happening. But so much more to come. Be strong as a couple and you can do this. Xo

  10. Cher

    I recently got a kidney transplant from my mom. I was extremely excited that I will be back to an almost normal life and no dialysis. Than after 10 hours my new kidney gave way to a blood clot. We were devastated and so were the doctor as this surgery has a high success rate. “Ten years ago the last kidney failed right after transplant” they told me. That is at least 800 transplant ago. I cried for days, then all of a sudden I heard my mom say in the next hospital bed, “Cheryl we should watch out, what if one of of my grandchildren died, that is at least only a kidney.” Instantly i decided I still have my two healthy children, a boy and a girl. I am blessed. It’s been three months now and after that I havn’t cried a single tear. Waiting for another transplant now.

    I love following your journey.

  11. Eliza

    I completely agree. Although I can’t fathom losing a child to cancer, when I lost my husband to cancer it gave me such a different perspective on life. It makes me so sad when I see people complaining about things so minimal or not being grateful. And it’s true, you can always rebuild a house, but you can’t rebuild a life. Materials things can be replaced. Unfortunately many people will never understand this, until going through pain or loss.

  12. Lacy

    Hi Savanna,
    I’m a little late commenting on this but just wanted to echo the other commenters in saying that you are definitely not crazy! I happen to live in an area that was devastated by the flooding brought on by Harvey. Two weeks before Harvey hit, my husband’s brother was killed in a tragic accident. Post-Harvey, I watched my entire community grieve over the loss of their homes and belongings but really just felt numb and like I wanted to scream WHO CARES?! YOU HAVE EACHOTHER! My in-laws also lost their home and business to flooding but the only thing that really matters is that they lost their son. So, no, you are not crazy. We are not crazy. What we have is perspective. I consider it a consolation prize that we get after suffering a tragic loss. A token of wisdom we would gladly return if we could have our beloved family member back but it doesn’t work that way. So don’t stop fighting, don’t stop ranting. Over the past few months I kept lamenting that things will never be the same until it hit me that they are not supposed to be the same. We are supposed to come out of these situations loving people more, fighting harder, showing humanity to those who showed it to us. Keep it up, my friend!

Leave a Reply