Stages of Grief

It is so interesting reading everyone’s New Years resolution posts about a desire to simplify. A desire to purge their homes and lives of unnecessary things. That has been my life for as long as I can remember. I was always taking things to Goodwill and felt zero attachment to inanimate objects and things. I lived the simple life & put all of my attention into decluttering, reorganizing and simplifying. And then Hayes got sick.

Now, I can’t get rid of anything. I am now the lady on “Hoarders” that can’t get rid of a pencil because someone she loves looked at it once. For reals, I am that lady! I can’t get rid of anything. I have closets of baby toys, clothes, blankets, medical supplies, used binkies and even hundreds of blurry Hayes pictures on my phone that I refuse to let go of because they remind me of Hayes. I will look at a shirt and think, “I can’t get rid of this….it has been over a year since I wore it, but I remember I was wearing it when Hayes got done with surgery. I held him in this shirt!”

While I completely recognize that there is no rationalizing this, I am at a stage of my grieving process where unorganization and fear of getting rid of something important is at the forefront. I worry so much that getting rid of that shirt I wore is like getting rid of him. I hold onto anything that even remotely ties itself to Hayes. Anything that ties me to Hayes. The very thought of losing these sends me into a panic.

I was really starting to wonder if this was the new me. But as I was laying in bed tonight, I was scrolling through Pinterest and a “Stages of Grief” diagram showed up in my feed. I looked through it and realized I am at one of the stages. Ugh! I am in a “stage”.

As much as I am annoyed by this current stage, I continue to embrace the emotions that come and go. I definitely feel a patience with myself that I haven’t had in the past. I hope to get to the point where I can just hoard the emotions and not the things. Hayes is in my heart anyway….not in that sweatshirt I wore almost a year and a half ago.

I also recognize that this diagram is not a one size fits all. I have found comfort in reaching out and watching others in their own loss journey. I met Carlie when Hayes was in his second round of treatment. I spotted her and her husband across the hall with their newly diagnosed little boy that looked exactly the same age as Hayes. As it turned out, Cohen was the same age and Carlie and I bonded over our similar situations. I cheered with her when Cohen did well, my heart broke when she received bad news and I was completely devestated when she also lost her little boy to this terrible disease and as a result becoming a sister in this unchartered territory.

Carlie is a women’s nurse practitioner and certified midwife that shares her journey on her blog, Carlie the Midwife. She gives incredible advise and shines a light on her own loss and women’s health and laces it all with well timed humor. I adore her! Her post on grieving the loss of a loved one felt like it was a page ripped from my own heart. Feeling grateful that I don’t have to venture into loss alone.

Read more about Carlie:

IG: @carliethemidwife

BLOG: www.carliethemidwife.com

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Stages of Grief

  1. rachelnorcal says:

    I just replied to your FB post but I always want to comment here on the blog itself, too 💚💚💚
    The holding on to material things makes 1000% sense to me..
    And I was going to share this weekly quote about patience with you even before I read this whole post..
    So much love to you, to Carlie, your families, as you travel this road and share your hearts with all of us xoxoxo
    Here’s the quote:
    “January 10, 2018
    Patience
    Patience is an enormously supportive and even magical practice. It’s a way of completely shifting the fundamental human habit of trying to resolve things by either going to the right or the left, labeling things “good” or labeling them “bad.” It’s the way to develop fearlessness, the way to contact the seeds of war and the seeds of lasting peace—and to decide which ones we want to nurture.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Donna says:

    Hello, over the last several days i have read your entire blog, and watched some Youtube
    videos. I cried for several posts, i could feel your pain. I will always remember your little
    Hayes. I wish you were still vlogging 🙂
    Donna.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s