633 Days

The past few weeks, I lay my babies down for their daily naps and inevitably, they end up talking to each other under their doors across the halls. At first it is really sweet and then all hell breaks loose and Heath is kicking the door….laying on his back, pounding the door with his feet. Yesterday was another one of those days and I found myself feeling more and more angry with each loud kick of his door….sometimes I just need a break from my kids, I will be honest! So needless to say I was frustrated.

I walked into his room and he had unscrewed the bed-knobs on his bed and filled them with milk from his bottle….yes, he is almost 3 and he still has a bottle. Motherhood fail, but anyway, I was pretty bugged. He had “milked” his bottle nipple and filled those finial holes up with whole milk! I mean what in the literal crap?! He is for sure making my hair go gray.

For a split second, a thought ran through my head and pushed through the anger….I imagined Hayes still here. What would he be doing? All of a sudden it hit me, I wish I could experience naughty Hayes. The Hayes that climbs out of his crib and pulls off his diaper. The Hayes that throws a “terrible 3’s” tantrum. What I wouldn’t give to experience two naughty 3 year old boys feeding off of each other and egging each other on during nap time. That was the difference maker.

I breathed, bent down and grabbed Heath, picked him up and walked into my room to watch a show and cuddle. Once again I was reminded that I absolutely need to feel grateful for the small things. When Heath makes a mess, I need to remember, he gets to make a mess! When he kicks his bedroom door, that will pass. When Reese covers hers and Heath’s cheeks with my makeup, it’s toddler art. When she wakes up crying in the night, I can feel grateful that I get to hear her cry.

We are coming up on a birthday. The babies will be 3….1,096 days old to be exact. Hayes will forever be 633 days old in my mind. As Heath and Reese get a year older, Hayes will continue to be celebrated with them, but rather than getting older with them, he is my forever baby. Heath and Reese will move on to other interests and milestones, but I will continue to celebrate Hayes with Elmo and Daniel Tiger. And that’s ok, because I will continue to feel grateful for the blessings, the tantrums, the fights and the cuddles I get with my babies because it is all a gift!

14 thoughts on “633 Days

  1. I’m so glad you say these things- I remember getting in trouble for stuff like that and now I think when Simon makes a mess- yes! This is a memory.
    When Meg gets cheeto fingerprints all over the wall- I have to take a picture.
    Remember the little things cause sometimes the little things are what get you through the bigger things.

  2. What a good reminder! I fortunately, have never lost a child but i really try to remind myself to enjoy the frustrating moments. My daughter, normally a 12 hour a night sleeper has been waking up the last few nights, and the other night while I was sitting in her room cuddling her, I remember looking at her sweet face, and all my frustration melting away. They are only babies for such a short time. She won’t always need her mommy to come cuddle her in the night. She is my only child, I will never get to do this again. I really try to savour every minute of it.

    Sometimes I do forget that though, and I have to say your posts about Hayes always remind me to take a minute and go give her a hug, or play with her for those extra 5 minutes. Thanks for always being there with that reminder! 💚💚

  3. Christy Meglio

    What an awesome perspective. Through your loss, I’ve been able to have that perspective with my own kids, even though they are 12 and 15! So, thank you for sharing. My 15 year old developed a chronic medical condition last September…we’ve spent too many days at CHLA this year. Even though the doctors don’t know what’s wrong with my son, it’s not life threatening but it has completely changed his quality of life. However, spending so much time at CHLA this year, we’ve seen so many sick children that it definitely has put things into perspective. We must find things to be grateful for and try do the simple things in life that bring a smile to our face. For my son, it could be as simple as his favorite Açaí bowl. So, I will drive out of my way, in rush hour traffic if that’s what it will take to give him a little bit of happiness! From one mom to another, thank you!

  4. Camille G

    My daughter is about the triplet’s age, and yesterday was one of THOSE days. Where i was about to lose my mind! So this is a GREAT reminder!

  5. April Dodge

    The fact that you can step back from the chaos & shift your perspective is incredibly beautiful Savanna. By the way, who cares if Heath still has a bottle… definitely not a mom fail. Out of frustration, I started lecturing my son about taking more responsibility for certain things. As soon as the words left my mouth I immediately regretted it. Here he is battling cancer since he was 8 & that’s not enough responsibility? I grabbed him, hugged him & begged for forgiveness. Man I wish I could forgive as easily & lovingly as a child. Thanks for this sweet reminder Savanna. I’m trying to be more like you.💚🧡

  6. Jennie Gamlen

    I always think to myself when I feel I’m at that breaking point, “well Savanna wouldn’t be like this!” You make a big impact on my life. Your amazing parenting inspires me. Hayes has inspired me to change my nurse practitioner schooling to a focus in pediatrics, possibly acute care instead of family practice so I can stay in the hospital. And I’ve been a nurse for adults for 13 years! I’ve never taken care of kids before in the hospital setting, but I want to now. And as far as bottles, I “accidentally” have done the opposite. Garrett (just turned 1 last week), had RSV 2 weeks ago. He was sick enough he had to go to the ER to get his poor nose deep suctioned, but he didn’t have to stay overnight. Anyways, his bottles kept making him throw up during this time because he’d cough and choke and gag and inevitably bring it up. Well we started to give him applesauce and other easy things and he kept them down! Then he decided on his own he was done with bottles (at just under a year 😮). The kicker to this is that I have to feed him baby and table foods all the time because he’s not as satiated. He eats a lot I think. Just at night for example, its 7 pm, 10 pm, and then sometimes the middle of the night! And again at 5 am. I think it might not be as much if he were still taking his bottles. 🤔 And another thing, he will only drink water or milk from a regular cup that I have to hold for him. It’s so bizarre. My daughter never had a diversion to a sippy cup. I think he got PTSD from his RSV illness. 🙄😁 Thank you for your post, always such a great reminder to enjoy the little things in life. Because we might not be as lucky, or blessed. 💚💚💚🎗️🎗️🎗️

  7. rachelnorcal

    I think of you & Hayes & all the other mamas & daddies who’ve lost their little ones so frequently throughout these days of toddler moods & shenanigans… And I think of how fast these days & years go by, how I have to concentrate really hard to even remember my big boys as toddlers.. and it makes a UNIVERSE of difference in my own mood/attitude/perspective/patience.. I still lose my temper momentarily here & there (& I’m working really hard to stop saying, “You’re annoying!” 🙄🙊 out loud .. because I know in the blink of an eye *they’ll* be saying, “Mo-ommm!! You’re so annoying!!” 😛
    We’re all so very human & you are awesome for continuing to share your day-to-day experiences with such honesty and also self-compassion & humor (so important!) 💓💓💓

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