I woke up this morning feeling anxious and that all too familiar sick feeling. I had dreamt of Hayes all night, but not in a happy way. In my dream, Hayes was gone still, but I was going to the state prison to meet his killer….cancer. I had personified cancer in my dream and the hatred I felt for him was unlike anything I have known. It was as if all of a sudden I was able to direct all of the unfocused and figurative “Cancer took my child” anger at the “man” that killed my child. In my dream I was so scared to meet him and to finally see his face. I knew a piece of glass would be between us and in my dream I remember feeling a frustration that I wouldn’t have the ability to jump across the table and strangle the life out of the man that tortured my baby. But, I also felt relief that the glass would be there too because if I was being honest, cancer was the scariest man I had ever met.So, as a result, today I just feel weird. I feel off and angry and scared. I don’t know why I feel scared necessarily but I do. I am scared that cancer is so huge and overwhelming that we can’t just strangle it out. Cancer is sneaky and bigger than one person. I guess, my subconscious was just revealing my deep and hidden fears that cancer is never going to stop. That cancer is going to keep sneaking into peoples homes and take their children. I actually don’t hate very many things….but, I despise cancer. With every deep rooted fiber of my soul.
We all have the knowledge that death is inevitable, it will undoubtedly knock on our door one day. But I just never envisioned having to see it walk away with my child.
As overwhelmed as I woke up feeling today, I have to try to figure out a way to bypass those daunting feelings and continue fighting the beast that cancer is. Ugh!
I listened to a podcast this past weekend that was talking all about self respect. The host said that our brains build up defense mechanisms in the form of stress and fear of failure to try and protect us from not fulfilling what we promised ourselves we would do. Following through with our goals is actually a form of self respect. Whether that goal is losing weight, exercising, stopping smoking or even, I guess, fighting cancer. If there is one thing I have for myself, it is self respect. I CAN do hard things.
Today on the HayesTough website I have put together an exact, word for word way you can fight for more funding for childhood cancer. It is hard, but I believe it is possible, if we all do it together.
So, I guess in my roundabout all over the map way, I am trying to say, cancer is still my worst enemy. I continue to wage war with it and I will not let fear of failure or fear of people not listening stop me from fighting the “man” that took my child. We all deserve more than that!