We have been here in Hawaii for 6 beautiful days. Our family vacation is slowly coming to an end. Last night, Steve and I took the kids down to the beach to let them late night snorkel with manta rays. Steve took them out and I sat on the beach and watched them swim away in the darkness toward the spotlights along the rocky cliffs. I was the only person on the beach. The moon was so bright and I could see so many stars. It was beautiful and so peaceful. My toes scooped into the sand, the waves crashed against the sand and I studied the dark sky. My mind of course drifted straight to my baby boy….my missing piece…my heart. Hayes.
I have found myself really feeling him missing this trip. Heath and Reese are starting to really get close. I find them talking and laughing and holding hands. They are no question best friends and soul mates. It makes me happy and hurt all in the same breath. During a very chaotic filled moment the other day, when both Heath and Reese were tantruming, the older kids were fighting and Steve and I were drenched in sweat carrying boogie boards and beach bags, I found myself wondering if we looked as circus like as I was imagining. Five kids on a family vacation is not kidding around. It is hard and for the most part, not relaxing for even a second. But, we are missing one. It isn’t even all of us!
Sometimes I imagine him here. Vacationing with us. His peaceful and calming spirit would probably cause a whole lot less drama. I wonder if he would be walking or would he be using the walker that the physical therapist wanted me to get for him. Would I be preparing his feeding tube every day for our beach outings? Would he be able to hold hands with Heath and Reese while they chased stray cats into the bushes? I don’t know, but I imagine it constantly.
I feel him slipping away and this is such a difficult part of the grief process for me. I feel like he is busy….which makes me happy, but I miss him. Here is the thing though, I feel him slipping away, but I have moments where I truly feel his arms around my neck. Like last night when I sat under the stars on the beach. He comforted me. Our family vacations aren’t what I envisioned when I found out I was pregnant with triplets. I ache for those over dramatized fears I had. They were so innocent and naive.
Now I look for him in the not so obvious ways. Tomorrow we will write messages in a bottle to send to him. I will tell him all of these things. Mostly, I will remind him that I am always his mom and I still love him to pieces. Can’t wait for the waves to carry our love notes to Hayes. Hopefully he can take a break from his muddy knees and bug hunting to feel the love we have for him. Hopefully that carries all of us for a few days!