I go through days where I don’t cry. Not only do I not cry, but I don’t feel. I get a lot done on these days but I feel completely uninspired by it. I have said it before but I am a master of compartmentalizing my emotions. If I have work I need to do, I can completely shut off my heart. While I appreciate the fact that I have this talent, I feel guilty about it also.
But then I crave it. I crave to feel Hayes. While I can’t feel him physically, sometimes the grief helps me almost feel him. That is when I pull out my camera and scroll and remember and feel. My heart starts to crack and he seeps his way back into the forefront. “Grief isn’t the absence of love but rather the proof that love is still there.” And oh my goodness he is still there.
I think as humans we try to protect ourselves from pain. The pain of losing a child is a truly crippling, deathlike pain. To protect myself I sometimes close it off and shove the grief aside. But, the other day, my sweet friend sent me a quote that completely spoke to my soul. It reminded me of what I always have known, emotions are a form of strength, a form of beauty and emotions are living.
“There’s a common misunderstanding among all the human beings who have ever been born on the earth that the best way to live is to try to avoid pain and just try to get comfortable. You can see this even in insects and animals and birds. All of us are the same.
A much more interesting, kind, adventurous, and joyful approach to life is to begin to develop our curiosity, not caring whether the object of our inquisitiveness is bitter or sweet. To lead a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to lead a more passionate, full, and delightful life than that, we must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is. If we’re committed to comfort at any cost, as soon as we come up against the least edge of pain, we’re going to run; we’ll never know what’s beyond that particular barrier or wall or fearful thing.”
You see what I mean? So freaking powerful! I do not want the pain to keep me from living but I also don’t want to not feel that pain either. I want to feel him and how I feel him is through the grief.
So, last night I cried. I broke. I swiped through photos and videos. I felt him. While it killed me it actually woke me up again! Like cold water to my face….he reminded me why I am doing what I do. Hayes continues to be my adventure.