Strength From Emotions

I go through days where I don’t cry. Not only do I not cry, but I don’t feel. I get a lot done on these days but I feel completely uninspired by it. I have said it before but I am a master of compartmentalizing my emotions. If I have work I need to do, I can completely shut off my heart. While I appreciate the fact that I have this talent, I feel guilty about it also.

But then I crave it. I crave to feel Hayes. While I can’t feel him physically, sometimes the grief helps me almost feel him. That is when I pull out my camera and scroll and remember and feel. My heart starts to crack and he seeps his way back into the forefront. “Grief isn’t the absence of love but rather the proof that love is still there.” And oh my goodness he is still there.

I think as humans we try to protect ourselves from pain. The pain of losing a child is a truly crippling, deathlike pain. To protect myself I sometimes close it off and shove the grief aside. But, the other day, my sweet friend sent me a quote that completely spoke to my soul. It reminded me of what I always have known, emotions are a form of strength, a form of beauty and emotions are living.

“There’s a common misunderstanding among all the human beings who have ever been born on the earth that the best way to live is to try to avoid pain and just try to get comfortable. You can see this even in insects and animals and birds. All of us are the same.

A much more interesting, kind, adventurous, and joyful approach to life is to begin to develop our curiosity, not caring whether the object of our inquisitiveness is bitter or sweet. To lead a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to lead a more passionate, full, and delightful life than that, we must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is. If we’re committed to comfort at any cost, as soon as we come up against the least edge of pain, we’re going to run; we’ll never know what’s beyond that particular barrier or wall or fearful thing.”

You see what I mean? So freaking powerful! I do not want the pain to keep me from living but I also don’t want to not feel that pain either. I want to feel him and how I feel him is through the grief.

So, last night I cried. I broke. I swiped through photos and videos. I felt him. While it killed me it actually woke me up again! Like cold water to my face….he reminded me why I am doing what I do. Hayes continues to be my adventure.

6 thoughts on “Strength From Emotions

  1. Tracie

    You cracked me today, you made the tears come to my eyes the ache in my heart break just thinking about your pain. Your right I hate those feelings they hurt for a split second the shooting pain I feel. As humans no one ever wants to feel that pain but we do and will continue why because we are human. Love your post you are so strong and smart. God love your soul.

  2. Desiree

    So true! I lost my 22 year young son to osteosarcoma 18 months ago (he has a twin sister also). There have been days when I don’t cry lately and then I think of my son right away and feel so guilty. Then that sharp hollow pain comes to my stomach and the tears just flow, like a faucet. And there I go looking at pictures to filll my mind with my son. I tell myself when the emotions simmer down, that I’d rather take his pain and suffering so he could be free. I miss him so very much. I am so sorry for your loss. Peace and blessings to you and your family.

  3. rachelnorcal

    Do you know the Sheryl Crow song/lyrics? “No one said it would be easy… but no one said it’d be this hard…”
    You guys are always on my heart & mind… On a journey you would never have wished or asked for.. but continuing to wake up each day, open your eyes, put your feet on the ground, and keep taking steps.. forward, sideways, maybe some days it feels like a few steps back. But you keep showing up for your family, your friends near & far, and you keep showing up for your own heart & soul & spirit… & always for your sweet Hayes. I know he’ll continue to be your guiding light & shining star. Sending you little & big reminders that he’s alive in your infinite love 💚💚💚

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