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Tate Party of 8

A Mother's Journey After Loss

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I thought it was the flu...I thought he was teething so he was grumpy.....I thought he was sleeping more because he was going through a growth spurt.....I thought he was throwing up cause he was allergic to dairy. As parents we have to monitor, assess, diagnose, treat and worry about our children’s health. We went to the ER, and the pediatrician several times and each time we were told Hayes had a virus and we should stop worrying. Finally, when we went to the local children’s hospital ER we were taken seriously. I didn’t foresee a brain tumor, but when that mass showed up on the computer screen, my heart sank and my world was forever changed. I learned that day that a parents intuition is powerful....sometimes a mother’s gut is stronger than medical school. I get asked so often what Hayes’ symptoms were so I linked a blog post I wrote a few years ago on this very subject in my stories. #mothersintuition #braintumorawarenessmonth

Utah is really starting to normalize and while I have been asking for this and begging for it during this quarantine, I kind of now don’t feel ready. This time at home with my kids and not having somewhere to be, or an agenda.....it has been a refreshing reminder that my family is all that I need. Time together, exploring where I live and trying new things.....have loved it, also sometimes hated it, but mostly, I appreciate what it reminded me. That family, all under one roof, spending time together, and seeing the importance in the simple moments, THAT is a life that is rich! Are your cities and states opening up yet? #quarantined #covidmemories

When I was pregnant with the triplets, we knew from the beginning that Heath’s middle name was going to be Tillman, after one of Steve’s heroes, Pat Tillman who died in the Iraq war. My worry was always that Hayes’ name wasn’t going to be as special so I would rack my brain to find a name that was equally as special. At about week 25 of the pregnancy, Steve and I went on a date to see the movie American Sniper, and we quietly sat through the credits because that movie stirred so much pride and appreciation for our service men and women. I remember sitting in that dark theatre as the credits rolled and I turned to Steve and told him, “Hayes’ middle name is going to be Kyle, after Chris Kyle.” I am forever grateful for the sacrifices of the men and women that have fought for the freedoms that I hold so dear. The freedoms that allow me to fight for childhood cancer, to advocate! These are blessings I will NEVER take for granted! To all those that fight for our freedoms, thank you for your service! And on a side note, Steve’s book is “The 20 Month Legend”......watch American Sniper, we realized today that The Legend was a nickname his comrades gave Chris Kyle. #memorialday🇺🇸 #thankyouforyourservice #hayeshint #thelegend

Most relaxing visit to say Hi to Hayes in a long time. We brought him flowers and cleaned his headstone and then we sat for an hour just taking in all the peace. Before Hayes passed I never realized how beautiful cemeteries are. I never thought about how each headstone represents a story. A headstone marking the life of an actual person. A symbol of someone missed and loved. It wasn’t until we sat down I realized I was wearing the sunglasses I chose from my Grandmas collection when she passed. I have no doubt she is rocking him on her lap in her rocking chair, telling him all the funny jokes and silly songs she used to sing to me. #memorialdayweekend #childloss

Sometimes I wish I could go back to this time of beautiful oblivion, when all that mattered in the world was the 8 of us in our own little world. #missinghayes #childloss

Had such a great day celebrating this cutie’s “graduation” from elementary school. I don’t remember anyone doing that when I was moving on from elementary, but it is a thing now. I only remember that last day of 6th grade feeling a sense of ominous dread about heading into the unknown wild that is hormonal teenage “survival of the fittest”. Hoping Mia has a better experience cause I feel like I am throwing her to the wolves next fall 🤷🏻‍♀️ But, Mia...I am sure it will be great, you’ll be fine, you will have lots of fun, I am pretty sure....I think 😬😂. And how is it that I now have two children out of the “kid years”?! Time is flying! #6thgradepromotion #6thgradegraduation

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