I go through days where I don’t cry. Not only do I not cry, but I don’t feel. I get a lot done on these days but I feel completely uninspired by it. I have said it before but I am a master of compartmentalizing my emotions. If I have work I need to do, I can completely shut off my heart. While I appreciate the fact that I have this talent, I feel guilty about it also. Read More
While we were vacationing in Hawaii last week, we received heartbreaking news about our sweet neighbor. She lost her son to suicide. While we were vacationing and playing on the beach, a friend was unexpectedly losing her son. It broke my heart for her and for her son that he had hit the point of extreme darkness and felt like he had no way out.
We have been here in Hawaii for 6 beautiful days. Our family vacation is slowly coming to an end. Last night, Steve and I took the kids down to the beach to let them late night snorkel with manta rays. Steve took them out and I sat on the beach and watched them swim away in the darkness toward the spotlights along the rocky cliffs. I was the only person on the beach. The moon was so bright and I could see so many stars. It was beautiful and so peaceful. My toes scooped into the sand, the waves crashed against the sand and I studied the dark sky. My mind of course drifted straight to my baby boy….my missing piece…my heart. Hayes. Read More
I am keeping this post short and sweet today, but I got asked yesterday as I so often do, “How do you stay strong?” I deeply thought it over and wondered. How do I stay strong? I feel like I could shut myself out from the world and everyone would understand. But, I have this inexplicable feeling of love and support from Hayes. He wants me to push through the tears and pain. He wants me to keep loving. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing and keep growing. Read More
When you become pregnant with triplets, you become part of a select club. There are Facebook groups that “meet” to discuss advice and offer support to the scared new mother of 3 at once. It is so incredibly helpful and I truly found so much great advice from these Mother’s that had walked the path and made it through what I was fearfully facing. They were a huge resource for me.
You know how they say grief is like the ocean? I have hit that point in the waves where I want to run away with my family. I literally day dream about selling all of our valuables and our home and moving to a remote tropical island and living off the land with Steve and my kids. A place where shoes and brushing your hair is completely optional. To get away from the heaviness of the world. Don’t panic, I won’t, because the logical side of me is still very much intact. But, part of me wishes I were that brave because my family feels closest to Hayes near the ocean. It feels like home. Read More
I woke up yesterday feeling blah. A typical Monday morning times 100. I miss Hayes so much sometimes. These down times usually last me an hour or two, but by yesterday afternoon, I realized I was still feeling the funk of my new normal. I sat on the couch, Peppa Pig blasting in the background when all of a sudden, I heard the front door open and Heath taking off down the street in laughter. The babies have been escaping lately and in that moment of hearing his giggles drifting away, I immediately regretted the fact that I hadn’t invested in the chain locks I had been looking at the week prior. And with a frustrated groan I headed after him. Read More
I was cleaning out my basement and organizing the clutter into “keep” or “trash” piles. I had made my way into Mia’s room and the trash pile was getting larger and larger. I added a few notebooks to the pile when I noticed a green “H” sticker on the outside. So I opened it up to find a “Dear Hayes” notebook! I had almost thrown this away. But, in my defense, Mia has a very bad habit of keeping everything she has ever been given, including candy wrappers. She is a hoarder through and through, bless her heart. Read More
It was the end of July, 2016. We had just finished our 28 day stay in the hospital and we were so happy to be home. On a whim, we had decided to take all 6 of our kids up the canyon on a hike….some would most likely call “Silver Lake” an easy mountain walk, but when you are carrying 3 babies, anything is considered a hike! We had all the backpacks and baby wearing gear, along with a freshly filled load of milk for Hayes’ tube. Nothing was getting in the way. We had day dreamed of days like this while being trapped within the 4 gray walls of the hospital. Read More
I remember this one particular evening during treatment. I went to the Ronald McDonald Room, a large room on the 3rd floor of Primary Children’s Hospital where food is donated by organizations and restaurants for parents of sick children. Hayes had gone to bed and dinner was being served. I made my way down there so that I could have something besides cafeteria food. You walk into this place and no one is smiling…it is SO depressing. But I was desperate for some non-hospital food so I got my dinner plate and made my way to a long table with 3 other parents sullenly sitting in silence. Read More