I go through days where I don’t cry. Not only do I not cry, but I don’t feel. I get a lot done on these days but I feel completely uninspired by it. I have said it before but I am a master of compartmentalizing my emotions. If I have work I need to do, I can completely shut off my heart. While I appreciate the fact that I have this talent, I feel guilty about it also. Read More
While we were vacationing in Hawaii last week, we received heartbreaking news about our sweet neighbor. She lost her son to suicide. While we were vacationing and playing on the beach, a friend was unexpectedly losing her son. It broke my heart for her and for her son that he had hit the point of extreme darkness and felt like he had no way out.
We have been here in Hawaii for 6 beautiful days. Our family vacation is slowly coming to an end. Last night, Steve and I took the kids down to the beach to let them late night snorkel with manta rays. Steve took them out and I sat on the beach and watched them swim away in the darkness toward the spotlights along the rocky cliffs. I was the only person on the beach. The moon was so bright and I could see so many stars. It was beautiful and so peaceful. My toes scooped into the sand, the waves crashed against the sand and I studied the dark sky. My mind of course drifted straight to my baby boy….my missing piece…my heart. Hayes. Read More
The preparation and lead up to our Hawaii vacation was filled with so much anxiety. Six hours, trapped on a plane, a two hour layover, with 5 kids, 2 of which are 3 years old and professionals at tantruming….this is every parents anxiety-ridden worst nightmare. So, I began preparing a little over a month ago. I was going into this flight with all the bells and whistles. It was Steve and I verses the 3 year olds.
Before I go into the items I added to their “airplane backpacks”, I have to say, in order to keep you reading, I might be borderline genius because it ended up being 6 hours of peaceful toddler entertainment. Total and complete success! In the airplane battle of parents verses toddlers, Steve and I dominated!
I bought them their backpacks to start out with. I chose bright and memorable backpacks so that if I lost them in the airport during the layover, they would be easily recognizable and memorable. And also, they are so cute that both of them were obsessed with wearing them.
I am keeping this post short and sweet today, but I got asked yesterday as I so often do, “How do you stay strong?” I deeply thought it over and wondered. How do I stay strong? I feel like I could shut myself out from the world and everyone would understand. But, I have this inexplicable feeling of love and support from Hayes. He wants me to push through the tears and pain. He wants me to keep loving. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing and keep growing. Read More
I recently ran into an old friend at a restaurant. She was celebrating her birthday with her friends and I gave her a celebratory hug. She simply replied that she was just relieved that she was still in her 20’s. It got me thinking…how do I feel about being in my 30’s? How do I feel about aging? How do I feel that my friend basically dreads being my age? Legitimately my stress with aging is disappearing by the hour. Read More
I was out running errands yesterday and I was stuck at a red light at an intersection. As we sat there in the car, my mind was simply thinking about the next thing on the errand list, but Wes broke that thought and yelled, “Look mom! Ducks!” He yelled this as he pointed at a fenced in, chain linked yard filled with ducks, enjoying the summer afternoon like they owned the yard. I immediately was confused by the sight…I mean what the heck are ducks doing in a regular, slightly small, neighborhood yard? Wes was fascinated! He immediately asked, “Those ducks are their pets? Can we get one?” Read More
Hi everyone…I feel like it has been a while since I introduced myself…like really introduced myself. Do you even know who I am? How did you find me?
Let me start this post out with a “Bear with me.” I am kind of all over the place with my thoughts. A lot of that is because, tomorrow morning, while the kids are all still asleep, Steve and I will make our way to the airport for yet another trip away from the kids. I know what you are thinking, “What is wrong with these two? Do they even parent?” Believe me, the guilt has made me ask these same questions myself. Read More
You know how they say grief is like the ocean? I have hit that point in the waves where I want to run away with my family. I literally day dream about selling all of our valuables and our home and moving to a remote tropical island and living off the land with Steve and my kids. A place where shoes and brushing your hair is completely optional. To get away from the heaviness of the world. Don’t panic, I won’t, because the logical side of me is still very much intact. But, part of me wishes I were that brave because my family feels closest to Hayes near the ocean. It feels like home. Read More